Victoria Bennett, unearthing her true self as a late-in-life lesbian, attempts to rebuild her life left behind in Salt Lake City. Shedding her pre-lesbian identity was easier than navigating the unfamiliar terrain of lesbian love. In her quest for companionship, Victoria seeks guidance from Sarah O’Keffee. Sarah doesn’t have time for Victoria’s fumbled advances when she’s raising her sister's 10 year old. Her only concern is collecting the fee for the services she provides Victoria, so she can stay afloat another day.

When Victoria delves into the intricacies of lesbian intimacy, under Sarah’s guidance, she finds herself captivated not only by Sara’s mystique but by the walls she's built around herself. But a misguided coaching session with Victoria threatens not only Sarah's client relationship but her very livelihood. Sarah, battling the ghosts of her traumatic past, struggles to believe that someone like Victoria could genuinely desire her.

The complexities of knowing each other intensify when Victoria gains the upper hand of the power dynamic by moving from Sarah's client to her superior. As Sarah attempts to enforce boundaries, Victoria, with unwavering determination, is convinced she can rescue Sarah from the shadows that haunt her. Sarah knows kindness only comes at a cost and resists Victoria’s heroic ideals. Her only mission is to shield Crystal from the pain that once defined her own childhood. Yet, when Sarah's sister's destructive choices jeopardize their sanctuary, Victoria offers the O’Keffee women a safer haven where the real dilemma arises – how can one be safe when stability doesn’t exist, and chaos always comes knocking?

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​What a poignant, masterfully written work that stabs our hearts and heals us, all at once! You have chosen to use an objective description of reality, which does not mask any of its rawest aspects. It is sometimes, just painful, at the limit of the bearable but it is somehow the imprint of your story, it gives the tone, the atmosphere of the novel. Notably, this little masterpiece is a "precise" of sexuality, for the use of "gay baby" and, even, ignorant heteros. You did a great job, thank you because I also laughed. See you soon.

​I don’t feel like I will ever find the correct words to express the profound impact this story has had on me. When I first read the summary I admit that I passed it up because it was honestly too relatable for me. But as I kept seeing it I finally took the leap and I am so glad that I did. You’re a phenomenal writer and story teller. I was hooked almost immediately and consumed this entire work at an alarming rate.

Victoria’s finger circled the rosy bulb, pinching and twisting occasionally. Her body melded against the cushion that complied to her will. The woman across from her couldn’t hear the drumming in her head. A smooth tongue peeked out as the woman’s speckled star-blue eyes gazed downward. Victoria’s lip pulled back between her teeth as her fingers traced the delicate details surrounding the bulb.

“So, you’ve been out as a lesbian for approximately six months. You’ve established your new life in Scottsdale. You got the new job as an Assistant Principal,” the woman’s eyes wandered back up to Victoria. “How do you feel now?”

The pillow in Victoria’s arms shielded her from the therapist. She hated that she loved how the maroon, rose, and pink stitching felt like the pillows on her mother’s couch. Still, she leaned back with it still clutched against her chest.

“Lonely,” she confessed.

“So, you still haven’t had any contact from your family?” Dr. Rose probed, even though they both knew it was the case.

Victoria sighed and looked up at the ceiling tiles. The dim lighting of the room made it seem as though the stars had all combusted in the panels of universes. She searched the divots of the panels looking for constellations, another reminder of the small-town life she’d left the year prior.

“Victoria.” Dr. Rose’s voice pulled her back from the blankets covering the Utah lawn. Tore her from the childhood memory surrounded by giggling sisters and cousins as they gazed at the heavens. The promised land was now dark at her defiance of the words and her place. 

“No. And I won’t.” Manicured fingers dug into the cloth-covered cotton. “I knew that it would be like this.”

The flesh on the inside of Victoria’s lower lip bled from her constant chewing. She’d been working at the same spot since she’d arrived at the office. She scraped the metallic taste off her tongue with her teeth, then swallowed the evidence of regret. “It doesn’t make it easier though.”

A fan burred on the Ikea desk, fluffing Dr. Rose’s mane with each oscillation. Her hand ran over the notes page on her obnoxious yellow pad. She scratched another line to the weekly confession. Then, she looked over the 1980s nerd glasses that had fallen toward the tip of her nose.

“How have you been managing loneliness?”

Victoria’s eyes rolled as her head fell back against the wood-paneled wall behind her. “How does one manage being lonely?”

“What do you do to distract yourself from feeling lonely?”

Victoria sucked her teeth and connected six divots into the little dipper. “I downloaded the TikTok app because I wanted to be prepared for the new school challenges I would potentially be seeing when I start next week. That was a rabbit hole that started with a lot of lumberjacks and somehow, I am now on lesbian TikTok.”

“Do you enjoy social media apps?”

“No. I closed down most of my accounts after I saw the wedding photos of my niece. We’d been close her whole life, and I didn’t even know the wedding was happening.”

“What else have you done?”

“I signed up for one of the meet-up adventure days with other gay people, but then… I chickened out and just stayed home. I couldn’t fit into my work clothes, so I joined a CrossFit gym. I haven’t really spoken to anyone other than basic greetings. I also started to sign up for a dating app, but I had to fill out the ‘about me’ section and I couldn’t think of anything to say.”

“Why not try the basics? Things you like to do. The food you like to eat,” Dr. Rose suggested.

“I tried.” She put the pillow down, then leaned forward. “I don’t know what I like anymore. Every part of my life has been flipped upside down. I never used to have time to just do things. There was always church. Some niece or nephew or brother or sister’s birthday party to attend. After work, I had to cook dinner, or go to the store, or clean the house. I never realized how much time I spent cleaning up after Michael, until it was just me and now dinner is leftovers for three nights and laundry goes into the actual bin, so I don’t have to tidy anything.

“Is it nice not having to clean up after your ex-husband?”

Victoria’s lips turned up slightly at the corners. “I had spent every Saturday morning scrubbing pee off the floor and the toilet since I was nineteen. Can I just tell you how amazing it is not to choke on shaving cream stench every time I use the toilet?”

Dr. Rose reciprocated the smile. With a nod, she said, “I can imagine that must feel very liberating.”

“Yes.” Then Victoria shrugged. “I mean, I guess it is.”

Dr. Rose made another note. Victoria wondered what type of archive someone could read someday about the mundane details of her life Dr. Rose found interesting enough to write down.

“So, you mentioned starting the dating profile. How do you feel about dating a woman?”

“Terrified.” The word had catapulted from her lips before she’d even had the opportunity to weigh the confession. Shaking her head, Victoria said, “I bet that sounds stupid.”

“Does being terrified of something new seem like something that should be deemed stupid?”

“No.” She thought about how many times she’d listened to a student justify their actions with fear. “It’s just… I mean… I left my husband because of my feelings for women. Now, I’m too scared to date a woman.”

“Let’s talk about the aspects of dating a woman that you find scary. Is there something in particular?”

Victoria’s hand pressed against her eyes and down her face. “Who asks who out?”

“Can you explain?”

Victoria looked up with only her eyes at the therapist. She didn’t know how to explain the obvious. The more options her brain provided her tongue, the more she realized though, it wasn’t obvious. Not to the therapist who had known she was a lesbian since she was a teenager.

“I guess it is stupid. I know women are equal and blah blah blah. But girls wait for boys to ask them out. It’s not something girls do.”
Dr. Rose set her pen down. “I can assure you I have been asked out by women before.”

Victoria’s hand shot up. “Yeah, but you are very clearly a feminine female.”

She hated the way Dr. Rose’s eyebrows crinkled in the middle. Hated how she tilted her head when the therapist looked at Victoria. Hated how it felt like she was a picture hanging just enough off-center to draw attention to her lack of straightness.

“Do you feel masculine?”

“I’m not the sundress-wearing Barbie, but I am not about to cut all my hair off and start wearing baggy clothes,” Victoria spat.

“Then, is that the type of woman you find attractive? Someone more masculine?”

Twisting her head to the side, then back, then the other side, her neck popped twice. “No.”

Dr. Rose’s pen was between her teeth. “Do you feel a feminine woman would not ask you out?”

Victoria’s empty stomach fluttered, the air pushing its way into her throat. She swallowed the excess saliva hoping to sedate the hunger at having again forgotten to eat before her dinnertime session.

“I don’t know if she would ask me out. I don’t know if I could gather the courage to ask someone out myself.” She took a deep breath, clenching her stomach to stop the flutters.

Pen scratched to paper. “You said she. Is there a woman you are interested in, but you are worried about asking her out?”

“No. Well. No, but yes.” Victoria leaned back once more. She didn’t have to close her eyes to see the smooth biceps of the brunette woman deadlift. The thick thighs bound only in the thin spandex stretching as the woman’s muscles flexed.

“There’s this woman at my gym. She has the rainbow lanyard and the “Lexa Deserved Better” sticker on her water bottle. I know she’s gay. I mean I guess she could be more on the masculine side but that’s because she is tall and thicker framed and I know she’s beautiful, but if I ask her out then I don’t know what to do. I have never planned a date in my life. And if I did plan a date, and it went well, and we kept dating, then we would get to the point of… you know.”

She looked up at Dr. Rose. The blue eyes didn’t suggest knowing anything, and Victoria wondered briefly if the woman took a class on appearing flat and clueless.

“You know,” Victoria lowered her voice to a whisper, “the sex part.”

Victoria sucked her teeth, then shut her mouth. She didn’t want to watch the pen detail another shred of her incompetence as evidence.

“So, what I hear you saying is you are attracted to an identifiably gay woman at the gym. You would like to possibly go on a date with her, but you are nervous about planning a date and if the time came having a sexual relationship with her.”

“Yes.”

“What type of experiences can you think of that you have had planning other outings?”

“You mean like dinner?” Victoria asked.

Dr. Rose nodded.

Victoria studied the wall above Dr. Rose’s head.

“I used to choose the restaurant for my monthly outing with Michael. Sometimes, I would suggest we see a movie. Simple things.  I would inform Michael of the dress code of the venue. That’s about it.”

“So, you are comfortable choosing a place to eat for yourself and a companion. You have previously chosen movies to see. Possibly even arranged to attend one of those small-town festivals or something. You were able to communicate attire suggestions, so your companion at the time would not feel under or overdressed.”

Victoria huffed. “You’re saying I know how to plan a date.”

“Technically, you said so.” Dr. Rose scribbled another note on the paper and Victoria found herself leaning forward with the hope she’d be able to make out what was on the page.  “Since you are capable, then possibly the real fear is what happens when you plan an amazing date, and she would like to take the evening to the bedroom.”

The pillow pressed against the front of Victoria again. Her fingers found the bulb on the pillow, and as she twisted it, she realized how pornographic the whole thing must look. She slapped her hand over the nipple-shaped protrusion.

“I don’t know what to do with a woman’s body,” she practically shouted.

Victoria bit into the same spot on her lip, extracting another dose of sobering corporeality. She closed her eyes.

“It’s like I’m walking through the temple again and no one ever said anything about what was about to happen. Yes, I’d heard about sex in high school, but I didn’t know how it worked and good sisters did not ask those kinds of questions.”

“Victoria, have you explored your own body?”

Victoria’s eyes shot open. “You mean like masturbated?”

Dr. Rose’s lips smooshed together, and then she nodded. “That is one method, yes.”

“No. I wouldn’t even know what to do.”

The therapist got up from her chair, letting the pages of the notepad flop against the fading leather. She rifled through the folders on her desk until she held up a pamphlet. “I would like to refer you to a colleague.”

Victoria scanned the familiar laminate boards chaotically shoved together. The familiarity of the pillow felt like it too was being torn from her grasp and the stiff couch seemed to tilt, sliding her off it.

“Victoria, come back to me,” Dr. Rose called through the tunnel of another place no longer safe. Dr. Rose held the shiny trifold out to her. “I am not saying I want to stop our weekly sessions. The referral is not for a therapist, but rather a coach.”

A single eyebrow rose on Victoria’s face. “Like a life coach?”

“Sort of, but no.”

Victoria took the thick page. The glossy texture felt good between her fingers. She looked at the front, then flipped it over. 

“An intimacy coach,” she read aloud.

She’d never heard of intimacy coaching, but when she opened the pamphlet, her eyes grew.

“Is she a prostitute?”

Dr. Rose laughed. “No. Sarah is not a prostitute. Consider her like a health teacher at a high school but instead of STDs and abstinence lectures, she teaches anatomy and how to successfully pleasure a partner.”

Victoria looked at the woman settling back into her chair. “She can teach me how to give a woman an orgasm?”

The smile on Dr. Rose’s lips spread up her cheeks to her eyes. “She can teach you how to give a woman or even yourself an orgasm. And her service is completely tax deductible as a medical expense since she is being referred by a medical professional. I would like you to reach out to her. Next week, we can talk about how you felt about the conversation and go from there.”

“I don’t have to do it if I don’t like the conversation,” Victoria checked.

“You don’t have to reach out to her at all. However, I have worked with Sarah for a long time. She is very professional and very, very good at helping individuals and couples improve their confidence in sexual intimacy.”

​ Dr. Rose checked the watch on her wrist before she pulled the pages on the pad down until all the details of Victoria’s life were lost in the pile.
“Our time is up.”